Knives for Hugs

I think about you when I walk the streets in the morning
Worrying about you and your childish need for attention
I sleep under the covers breathing your name
Wondering if we’re equally in love with each other

I sit here thinking how many cups of coffee did you drink today
Wondering if you think of me as much as I think of you

Is it selfish if I ask for the same amount of love?
They say it’s impossible both glasses are full,but
I can’t help myself but look for spills on the floor

What would you do if you keep on giving, but barely
receiving?
I sit here wondering who can give me just that
Who can take care of me like that?

I grouch on my way home seeing the sky turn to maple leaves
A symbol of what was used to be in a paradise of foolishness
It was happy and fearsome to dream a lifetime with you
Now what’s left hanging is “did you ever fancy that too?”

I stare at my face, looking at the damage you’ve done to me
I cry cold tears, knowing you barely sweat it out

It’s selfish to force a person to give you what you wanted
Our veins are connected not to the them but to our flesh only
Still, I can’t help myself but feel betrayed by your uncaring ways and
your inability to give love in return

I sit here laughing at myself and tasting dirt on the ground
For the world isn’t built for unsharpened hearts and untainted minds,
the affection I’m searching for, a knife in the hands of other people

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Hey, Friend

Hey, friend
You seem to be normal
Perfect teeth and gorgeous clothes
Hey, friend
You’re a lying fiend
Telling me this and that
Treating me like a garbage fool

Hey, friend
I deserved better than that
Hey, friend
You should’ve let me change you
Hey, friend
I might still love you

Hey, friend
Where are your manners?
You shouldn’t have let me fuck you
Hey, friend
I want to strangle you
I want to leave you
Soon, you’ll be a stranger too

Hey, friend
I deserved better than you
Hey, friend
You should’ve let me be a friend to you
Hey, friend
I might still love you

I see you sipping coffee
I see you lighting your cigarette
I see you smiling at me
From a distance now
Outside your apartment

Hey, friend
Let’s do this again together
All will be forgiven
Aches will be forgotten

Hey, friend
I deserved better than that
Hey, friend
You should’ve let me change you
Hey, friend
I might still love you

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Demons and Quiet Seas

Lively stomps of the sun’s shiny shoes
It’s waiting on the other end
The breath of greens smelling fresh by the lovely river
It tempts me to get out of my warm and cozy cave
It’s easy to howl nonsensical happiness but the goo of my blues feels more comfortable

May I ask you to marry me?
I have the weight of nine planets
Do you want to live in paradise?
I have clothes I have worn a thousand years ago

Many kings, many queens
Little princes, white carriages
I could dream the life of diamonds but I was born with a crown of tears

Laughter, the moon, cows and Godly creatures
The accessories of youth, I’m immune to such figures
Demons, quiet seas, they are my vacations
I am as happy as a man without a sight
Give me eyes and kiss me forever, I’d pluck it out and still sleep with soundness

May I ask you to marry me?
I have the weight of nine planets
Do you want to live in paradise?
I have clothes I have worn a thousand years ago

Many kings, many queens
Little princes, white carriages
I could dream the life of diamonds but I was born with a crown of tears

Leave me broken, it’s not such a tragedy
Dig into my chest, you’ll be lost in a maze
Now, do you still love me?
Will you still love me?
It’s okay if you don’t
It’s okay if you won’t

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Love :)

You smile but it aches
Pain you wont call it
A scar that used to be skin
Watered down by your tears

You wish to revisit
But scared to see nothing
Instead you care for no one
You cry yourself to sleep

You sing with melodies
The notes are superficial
You miss digging deep
But your fingers are red and weak

For a time you went out
You shout to make a noise
The sky dropped thunder on you
You froze to death but your body’s burnt

You stayed inside your hardened heart
Afraid to look for resolutions
You killed the memories inside your head
But kept the pieces under your bed

Now you smile and break your teeth
You keep on smiling to see your face bleed
You take the knife and stab your chest
You wanted to see but your sight has fled

Alas, love wins :)

Like a Girl (It’s All on Me)

There you go with your sweet mouth
Talking and kissing, owning me effortlessly
At least leave something for what is absolute
Or I’d end up fixating my heart on something false

I should chill but my life is on fire
Young and stupid, who says I can’t be for a while?

Pain and glory, they’re almost the same thing
I live for myself by living in fantasy
It’s all temporary, missteps, I call it my baby
If I fall hard, then shit, it’s all on me

Ticking bombs says our teachers and parents
You say forget them and fuck them,
we play with what is in hand
I wish I could say the same thing,
but I’m running ’round your palm

Heels in love without authentic connection
Soul all bared out while you just want some action

Love and hormones, when ignited they create explosions
How to learn to stop it, you set yourself on fire
Maybe it’s temporary, maybe I’ll burn to pieces
Nobody cares anyway, it’s my love that is astray

I live for myself by living in fantasy
If I fall hard, then shit, it’s all on me

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Rose Torns

The apple has turned sour
My kiss is black, it’s black and blue
The memories of the night
Are stale but could turn out either way

What should I do?
Our love is not in bloom
Premature like a baby
A blue star crying in the night

Maybe we should start elsewhere
Maybe we could cut it and be spared
We have all the time in the world
Why start now and bruise ourselves with rose torns

As pretty as a flower,
But you know it’s fragile and not meaningful
Bounce back now while you still can,
Free yourself from the possible pain

What can I do?
Our love is not in bloom
I’m immature, I don’t know about you
A lost child crying in the dark

Maybe we should start elsewhere
Maybe we could cut it and be spared
We have all the time in the world
Why start now and bruise ourselves with rose torns

Epiphany and the Bathroom Mirror

August 26, 2013

The day is fast-moving while my body is glued to bed. I would sleep the afternoon off if I could, but as usual, my consciousness is running in several places at once. So many things stealing my focus and too little energy to give a flying rat’s ass.  I have what you would call a day of severe unproductiveness. 

My brother’s footsteps disturbed my doozing at 3 AM. I am a light sleeper so the littlest noise could wake me no matter how tired I was before going to bed. I smelled alcohol and sweat stink. I didn’t bother to find out what was he up to. Instead, I closed my eyes and waited for the yawnings to come back. 

“Were you able to sleep?” My father stood at the doorstep of the room. 

It was around 7 in the morning. I wanted to smack him, but instead, I gave him no response. To be fair, he didn’t know that my precious sleep was just interrupted 4 hours ago.

I woke up feeling tired, exhausted and a little sad. Little by little, I feel like my body’s failing me. Or maybe that’s just me trying to amuse myself by giving color and drama to a day of mind-numbing blandness. Or maybe that’s really just the way it is. I am not sure anymore. When I went to the bathroom to take a piss, the mirror hanging on the wall gave me a sight of a person looking so lost and so unworthy of any positive adjectives. My eyes and its bags looked dead and my skin looked like it belonged to a 40-year-old traffic enforcer. I stared at the reflection for a couple of minutes, berating my exterior and imaginingly rubbing my eyes for clarity. Then I realized it’s an image that I’ve been seeing but afraid to acknowledge for quite some time now.

What am I doing to myself? When did I become so determined to take a rough but ultimately route-less road? Is it the day that’s messed up or is it me? These questions, though seemed out of place, started hitting me on the face and they suddenly felt crucially important.

I might be beginning to understand the reason for all these uneasy feelings in me. I hope I do. Thank you and fuck you, bathroom mirror. What that was is necessary. Now, I’m torn between going back to dry-humping my bed and going to church.

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Acting your age

This happened a month ago. I punctured a toothpick into the head of a white Marlboro cigarette. When I lit it up, the cigarette blazed like a volcano about to vomit lava. It felt wondrous, seeing a petty accomplishment thrive for a couple of minutes. It felt good thinking the toothpick made the taste better. When the cigarette breathed its last life, the excitement I had vanished with the air that sucked the life out of the stick that was my amusement for that short time in a cold and loud place with friends exhibiting emotions that I can’t tell if legitimate or not. The feeling was stupifying. Then I realized… It was probably time that I should stop duplicating the crazy times of my adolescence. Maybe it was time that I should stop misconstruing the concept of moving forward as a cliche for sentimental fuck-ups. Because, apparently, it’s not. Projecting an image of coolness with the inevitable admixture of immaturity isn’t gonna bring light to my already shady persona.

I should start acting my age.

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5 Awesome Horror Films Nobody’s Putting On Their Top List

1. Joshua (2007)

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Horror movies involving kids as their central antagonist have always been extra creepy. While ‘Omen’ is the most popular and lauded movie with that concept, others have also tried to replicate its techniques with varying results that could be considered as fine but less-stellar. (See: The Croods, Orphan, Children of the Corn) The one that could probably go head to head with the aforementioned classic is ‘Joshua’. The movie gives us an introductory portrait of a family grasping at straws with the birth of their second child. Now that young Joshua’s parents’ focus is on her baby sister, he tries to take some of their attention back by terrorizing the household in degrees unimaginable. The pacing of the movie is slow, building up its sinister ambience that will crescendo to the last act when the title character finally unveils a face so evil it embeds its mark in your head. The movie has a style that is a reminiscent of Roman Polanski; having subtlety and intelligence that only a few filmmakers nowadays can pull off successfully.

2. Toolbox Murders (2004)

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Helmed by the director of the original ‘Chainsaw Massacre’, this gem faded into obscurity for reasons I’m not quite sure I understand. The tenants of an apartment building are being troubled by mysterious circumstances. Strange noises are being heard; teeth are being used as wall decors; and, well, people die. Later in the film, we meet with a balaclava-wearing man who is causing the entire conundrum and he looks fucking scary as hell. The plot is nothing new, but what separates ‘Toolbox Murders’ from the rest of the pact is its well-fashioned throwback style and the punch it packs whenever tension is mounting around the characters of the movie. Here, Tobe Hooper proves he still got what it takes to direct an effective slasher film. The impressive set-design is noteworthy as it gives the frightening villain a mutilating platform that made the athmosphere of the film even more creepy and claustrophobic, making the watching experience suspenseful as it is masterful-looking.

3. Grace (2009)

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Madeline, a married woman who would do anything to be a mother, finds her dream shattered when she birthed a baby with a pale skin and without a beating heart. Having difficulty accepting that fate, she took her lifeless offspring into her home and held onto its little body until, unexpectedly, ‘it’ started to chew her nipples. That and gallons of blood and a psycho mother-in-law and an old lesbian lover fill the whole reel of Paul Solet’s 2009 movie. Here, the occurrences don’t try to evoke repugnance just for the sake of disturbing our psyche. It presents us a dramatic play of parenting gone berserk, demanding empathy and understanding from us amid the horrible actions done by the well-meaning but somewhat disoriented protagonist. Disquieting and very low-key, ‘Grace’ is a monster movie crawling, whimpering and springing up under the skirts of motherhood.

4. Ginger Snaps 2: Unleashed (2004)

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‘Ginger Snaps’ would have made the list if this is your usual countdown of the genre’s best. Let’s say this is that list. Heck, I would still put ‘Ginger Snaps 2: Unleased’ ahead of its predecessor. The movie can definitely stand on its own and rarely will you see a sequel that looks and feels so original. Against her will, Brigitte continues her struggle to fight off the werewolf genes at a mental facility for teenage women. She meets new friends that would tag along with her when she escapes. A big angry werewolf tails behind her throughout this ordeal. The last quarter of the movie takes places at the empty house of one of her new friends. What transpired there is, of course, a delicious and twisted secret. The theme for this movie is very different from the first one and I will tell you that this should be the standard for making better sequels. The unpopular formula did wonders. Fangs of varying kinds will sure to catch you off-guard.

5. Jenifer (Masters of Horror, Season 1 Episode 4, 2005)

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Forgive me if you are blindsided by the surprising inclusion of a TV episode here. As much as I wanted to reward a full-length film as my list-ender, let me tell you from here on out that ‘Jenifer’ deserves to be recognized for being a provocative piece of work that it is. The story follows a police officer saving a disfigured young woman named Jenifer from being killed by an old man. He takes her home as she appears to be retarded (she doesn’t talk and only makes creepy sounds similar to a cat murmur) and have nowhere to go. He becomes drawn to her for reasons that are too weird to solidify. After a couple of loony scenes, it becomes clear that there are problems with Jenifer that turn the lead’s life into a mess. Directed by Dario Argento from the collection of the now kaput anthology series ‘Masters of Horror’, ‘Jenifer’ is a weird bag of stuff. It is repulsive, erotic, sad and infuriating. The overall effect is… really something. It is probably the enigma of it that I keep on looking back at the movie and be cast under its befuddling spell. Needless to say, I highly recommend it.

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Your Own Best Years

Your Own Best Years

Your Own Best Years

Lyrics, vocals and guitar accompaniment by Reynaldo D. Pagsolingan Jr.

The arms I touch
Will grow like trees
I’ll name them Juan
The pictures Ive seen
They’ll come alive
I will take my own

Dreams, a home

Roaring like a tiger
Jumping like grasshoppers
Let’s make the years the best of ‘em
The best of ‘em
The best of ‘em

My eyes and its tears
Wil fade sometime
I will not let you notice
The world we live in
We’ll be a part of it
We’ll be just like the dead leaves

Dreams, a home

Roaring like a tiger
Jumping like grasshoppers
Let’s make the years the best of ‘em
The best of ‘em
The best of ‘em

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