The day started like usual (lol). I woke up with dead eyes and spent 40 minutes in the bathroom showering, singing, shitting, and that other -ing. Toothbrushing. I left for work feeling a little recharged which I knew would be non-existent in an hour. Two hours passed, my face’s imaginary lightness was juiced out. My lungs felt like it was hosting a lunch party for dozens of flies. My back was also at its absolute worst today that it made my laptop charger less homeless-looking than me. By the way, this is a normal thing that happens six or seven times a week. Today though, my heart’s poison pocket is not half full. It’s spilling disgusting black tragedy all over the place.
I talked to my former boss a couple of days ago and our conversation ended with me projecting an image inside my head: a dummy version of myself standing on a steep road. I don’t want to throw in too cliched methapors so here it goes: I think I’m standing at the crossroads of adulthood. Without exaggeration, problems and critical decisions in my life are piling up like a bitch. There’s really no one to blame but my sound self (lol) if I can’t create that much-needed balance but motherfucker. I feel like I am on the verge of losing it. (I know that’s too dramatic, but so what, shut up)
I am miserably sad for a lot of reasons. My bowl of issues that are always stabbing my good-naturedness for a long long time now is actually not an “issue issue” ‘coz I already considered them my bastard friends. I live with them just fine. What is tearing my heart to pieces (I actually use these words) is I am starting to lose trust and faith that I will see even a fraction of my genuinely weird and kind friend giveaways return to me with love that didn’t take form in the start as spiky/contemptful/suspicious/superbad/ridiculous. I know it’s not their problem if I’m sensitive. It’s also not their problem if I am a child in need of sweet pampering. People are free to do whatever the fuck they want. However, I can’t help but feel really broken about that.
In conclusion, as an adult (or would be adult, who am I kidding), maybe I should just resign to the thought that people in general will not treat you the way you want to be treated. If I won’t be able to accept that reality, I would probably end up alone and hateful. Or worse, a fucking serial killer. Let’s not go to that direction.
(I can also be a jerk in some occasions, so maybe it’s just karma or whatever)