Ghost

The time was eight o’clock in the evening. I took a break from work, left the operations area, and headed to the office lounge where I rested my body on a couch positioned in front of a large window painting before me the city lights 12 floors down below. When I was working the first time here, that seemingly subtle but loud illuminance gave me joy. Hope, even. “Candles lighting my far-reaching vision”, I told myself.

How times have changed four years later. Now, the lights left me tearing up a bit. Not out of delight, unfortunately.

I found myself looking back at the days when I was six years old in the province. The soil where our military duplex house stood was dark and fertile, the mothers in the neighborhood including my Mama did their routinely sweeping of the fallen leaves from huge trees spread across the village in the afternoon, and my first-grade self watched his favorite cartoon with friends while my brother cooked rice that will be served for dinner.

Funny how things change.

Places obscure rise from the dead, living places run out of breath.

A New Year’s Resolution (Holiday Draft)

The December break has given me a lot of motivation to change things up this year. Every aspect of my life was put into a wringer in 2016, and the general consensus seems to echo the same sentiment. Social media friends and semi-funny memes think this year is a huge shitty asshole. That is not nice to look at.

I know how easy it is for anyone to sound dumb when they say shit like “things are gonna be better next year” and “excited for the new me in January.”  While the shallow representation of reinvention and change is easily distinguished among people, I realized that it should not be at all easily dismissed.

Having gone through partly self-inflicted difficult situations more than ever this year, it is always a one step forward when one is attempting to be better. I see no reason to channel hate and assholeness. You don’t kick someone down when they attempt to stand up after an embarrassing fall.

I was sharing the dining table with my parents and siblings a few days ago when I got a hold of a thought that triggered a decision to reestablish my ideologies, behavior, and goals that I project onto the world. Last year, because of an awful breakup, and personality clashes among the people I work with, my life has become more complicated. I barely had any reason to get off my bed and smell the coffee because I was filled with so much negativity.

Now back to dinner with the fam, the conversations about ironing out the messy atittudes among us and the unspoken “we will always have each other’s backs” as we feel everyone’s spirits (in silence found between eating, talking, and laughing) fueled my passion that I have to admit was nearing its death.

I can’t let the fuckups of the world lure me into missing out my true purpose in this life.

I can’t let these wonderful people down because they make me more than my struggles and heartaches.

I have to be better because making my loved ones, especially my dear parents, proud of seeing me do good is a payback for their love, understanding, and sacrifices even if they are not asking for anything in return.

I was reminded that it always feels good when you are not just living for yourself. So, yeah. Let’s do some changes, shall we.

“Caché”, “Aliens”, and “The Witch” Quick Reviews

It is the holidays, and what better way to relax than review the backlog of movies I wasn’t able to see because of a hectic schedule all year. I usually rank the movies I watch in a marathon from my most fave to the least (because I’m a stupid idiot), but the ones listed below are really great in their own different ways, so no ranking. The three I’ve seen so far are below (and up there in the title lol).

Caché (2005), or Hidden in English, is a perfectly-paced quiet thriller that uses ‘colonial guilt’ as subtext to the intriguing storyline. It dethroned The White Ribbon as my third favorite Michael Haneke film. My first and second are Funny Games and Amour.

Aliens (1986) is an action-packed horror that IMO is so much better than its predecessor. While at times a bit loud because of the action scenes, it still managed to be more frightening than the low-key Alien because of the proper use of editing, and the scary showmanship of the ‘Queen.’

The Witch (2016) is a horror mystery that thrives in its ability to scare your wits not by cheap shocks and gore, but by  its suggestive power found underneath its enigmatic symbolism and the script’s subtlety.

Mamayang Gabi

Sa pagbaba ng dilim sa lupa, ang ilaw ng mga bituin ay magmumukhang diwata sa paningin, ang liwanag ng buwan ay magiging kaibigan, at ang huni ng mga kulisap ay magiging hele sa pandinig

Pero sa paglipas din ng mga oras ay mapagtatanto na ang lahat ay disensyo lang sa paligid na walang hatid na sagot sa ingay ng pag-iisip

Ang mga mata ay mapapagod sa tingkad ng kutitap at ang dalawang tainga ay mangangati sa tono ng kawalang kahulugan

Sa gitna ng madaling araw ay lamig na lamang ang susuot sa kaibuturan -dahan-dahang kakainin ang natitirang apoy na sinindihan ng nakaraang hapon

Ang mga buto naman ay pigil na magtatanggol sa nanginginig na laman, at sa muling pagsilip sa kawalan para manlaban sa kahinaan ay makikitang patay na ang liwanag at pagod na ang ingay ng mga insekto

Kaya sa umaga ay maghihintay ng kasagutan sa nakakagising na mga tanong at kaguluhan ng isipan, umaasang may matitira pang lakas mula sa pagkain ng gabi sa kamalayan

Freedom X

I’m a victim of my freedom
Without remorse,
I’ve wasted people’s time
I broke promises and hearts
I only listen to myself
sometimes

In wanting too much of it,
its power has overtaken me

I go home too late
Watching people
Validating myself
Drinking too much
Filling my lungs
with smoke and fun

Crossing lines & boundaries,
I’m digging myself
an early grave
The scythe is coming
for my neck

I have forgotten
where I came from
I have lost people who
once set my soul on fire
I thought I only needed
myself to survive

Well, I still believe that
sometimes half, sometimes wholeheartedly

And this writing, by the way,
isn’t a cry for help

I just want to say
I’m probably dead

When I’m seen
being terrible,
insensitive,
irresponsible,
or even soulless

It’s my freedom,
not me

Love II

I threw lit cigarettes
where trash
and fire should be
Leaving fear behind
I am seeing the sun

I’ve wrapped my arms
around someone new
No googly eyes
No stink of drunken past

I’m hearing a sweet voice
whispering across the room
Clueless of where it
would lead me
A sad story or a party

But I’m cutting
my heart open
to see it bleed
to see it burst
to see it jump

To see it
beating
shaking
crying
flaming
wondering
gasping
alive and
just singing

Wings For Fire

I broke my bones to numb the pain
I bit my lip to stay awake
I crossed the line to hope, to live
But you pushed me off the cliff

You are my sea of fire
You are my sea of fire
You clipped my wings

I moved my things for a change of phase
But I found myself looking for your face
Now you’re gone and I’m not the same
Somehow, I think it’s for the best

You are my sea of fire
You are my sea of fire
You clipped my wings

Live

Drop the tears
Make ugly faces
Release
Change is coming

Run away
Listen carefully
Your heart beats
Smile with ease

Open your eyes
See the beauty
The world bleeds
but make peace

Hug and kiss
The room is full
Touch everybody
but do it for free

Open doors
Be cautious
but polite
Sincerity is key

Life is a garden
With flowers and shit
Sleep on the grass
Breathe

Getting Out for Safety

I.

Woke up at three
The cold kissed my lips
Your missing touch
brought me to tears

The other day
we fought and made up
Like water and oil
in a goblet

You said you love me
but it’s not enough
Our differences are
stoning our home

Maybe it should fall
down and be rebuilt
We need to go out
We need to be set free

II.

If you look for answers
and can’t find me there
I would understand
Things run their course
Love can’t break this curse

If in the morning you
still can’t bear me a smile
If in the summer you
couldn’t rain w/o the thunders
Let’s put on our shoes and
leave the house
The door will be closed,
but always know that my
arms will remain open

III.

I will wait but will not
hold my breath
Hopeful but not stupid
My love for you is strong
but my heart tires

In your soul-searching,
I still hope you would
find me there
‘Coz there’s still a lot of love
that’s left in me

IV.

If you look for answers
and can’t find me there
I would understand
Things run their course
Love can’t break this curse

If in the morning you
still can’t bear me a smile
If in the summer you
couldn’t rain w/o the thunders
Let’s put on our shoes and
leave the house
The door will be closed,
but always know that my
arms will remain open

The Crack

The ground opened a crack
I found myself curious
I looked inside
It was pretty dark
Hollow
A bit sad
Everyday I stared at it
Until the time came
My right foot fell off and
I was stuck

I cried for help
Waving my hands like
A fool
It was painful
Drips of blood came out
Still, no one came

Then the aching stopped
Or so I thought
Then I painted dirt on my leg
And then on my thighs
I drew black skies on my waist
I was amused
Not bored
Dirt painting for a company
Like cigarettes and coffee
I was alright then
I accepted it: the ground that bit my foot was my life

Until helplessness
Hopelessness
Loneliness
Came like sad thunders
I realized,
I had to get off the crack

I chewed off the skin of my left arm
Took my human gloves off
And started disentangling
the white thick twigs
Then I sharpened them using the ground like sand paper
‘Til blood and unpointiness disappeared

I sliced slowly
Then cut forcibly
I attacked and attacked
Until I freed myself from it

As I was about to leave
I fell down and hit my head hard
I woke up woozy
I started crawling
Parts of my body gone
I cracked a smile
Feeling triumphant
Without realizing
I am not whole anymore