Mamayang Gabi

Sa pagbaba ng dilim sa lupa, ang ilaw ng mga bituin ay magmumukhang diwata sa paningin, ang liwanag ng buwan ay magiging kaibigan, at ang huni ng mga kulisap ay magiging hele sa pandinig

Pero sa paglipas din ng mga oras ay mapagtatanto na ang lahat ay disensyo lang sa paligid na walang hatid na sagot sa ingay ng pag-iisip

Ang mga mata ay mapapagod sa tingkad ng kutitap at ang dalawang tainga ay mangangati sa tono ng kawalang kahulugan

Sa gitna ng madaling araw ay lamig na lamang ang susuot sa kaibuturan -dahan-dahang kakainin ang natitirang apoy na sinindihan ng nakaraang hapon

Ang mga buto naman ay pigil na magtatanggol sa nanginginig na laman, at sa muling pagsilip sa kawalan para manlaban sa kahinaan ay makikitang patay na ang liwanag at pagod na ang ingay ng mga insekto

Kaya sa umaga ay maghihintay ng kasagutan sa nakakagising na mga tanong at kaguluhan ng isipan, umaasang may matitira pang lakas mula sa pagkain ng gabi sa kamalayan

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Freedom X

I’m a victim of my freedom
Without remorse,
I’ve wasted people’s time
I broke promises and hearts
I only listen to myself
sometimes

In wanting too much of it,
its power has overtaken me

I go home too late
Watching people
Validating myself
Drinking too much
Filling my lungs
with smoke and fun

Crossing lines & boundaries,
I’m digging myself
an early grave
The scythe is coming
for my neck

I have forgotten
where I came from
I have lost people who
once set my soul on fire
I thought I only needed
myself to survive

Well, I still believe that
sometimes half, sometimes wholeheartedly

And this writing, by the way,
isn’t a cry for help

I just want to say
I’m probably dead

When I’m seen
being terrible,
insensitive,
irresponsible,
or even soulless

It’s my freedom,
not me

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Love II

I threw lit cigarettes
where trash
and fire should be
Leaving fear behind
I am seeing the sun

I’ve wrapped my arms
around someone new
No googly eyes
No stink of drunken past

I’m hearing a sweet voice
whispering across the room
Clueless of where it
would lead me
A sad story or a party

But I’m cutting
my heart open
to see it bleed
to see it burst
to see it jump

To see it
beating
shaking
crying
flaming
wondering
gasping
alive and
just singing

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Wings For Fire

I broke my bones to numb the pain
I bit my lip to stay awake
I crossed the line to hope, to live
But you pushed me off the cliff

You are my sea of fire
You are my sea of fire
You clipped my wings

I moved my things for a change of phase
But I found myself looking for your face
Now you’re gone and I’m not the same
Somehow, I think it’s for the best

You are my sea of fire
You are my sea of fire
You clipped my wings

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Live

Drop the tears
Make ugly faces
Release
Change is coming

Run away
Listen carefully
Your heart beats
Smile with ease

Open your eyes
See the beauty
The world bleeds
but make peace

Hug and kiss
The room is full
Touch everybody
but do it for free

Open doors
Be cautious
but polite
Sincerity is key

Life is a garden
With flowers and shit
Sleep on the grass
Breathe

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Getting Out for Safety

I.

Woke up at three
The cold kissed my lips
Your missing touch
brought me to tears

The other day
we fought and made up
Like water and oil
in a goblet

You said you love me
but it’s not enough
Our differences are
stoning our home

Maybe it should fall
down and be rebuilt
We need to go out
We need to be set free

II.

If you look for answers
and can’t find me there
I would understand
Things run their course
Love can’t break this curse

If in the morning you
still can’t bear me a smile
If in the summer you
couldn’t rain w/o the thunders
Let’s put on our shoes and
leave the house
The door will be closed,
but always know that my
arms will remain open

III.

I will wait but will not
hold my breath
Hopeful but not stupid
My love for you is strong
but my heart tires

In your soul-searching,
I still hope you would
find me there
‘Coz there’s still a lot of love
that’s left in me

IV.

If you look for answers
and can’t find me there
I would understand
Things run their course
Love can’t break this curse

If in the morning you
still can’t bear me a smile
If in the summer you
couldn’t rain w/o the thunders
Let’s put on our shoes and
leave the house
The door will be closed,
but always know that my
arms will remain open

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The Crack

The ground opened a crack
I found myself curious
I looked inside
It was pretty dark
Hollow
A bit sad
Everyday I stared at it
Until the time came
My right foot fell off and
I was stuck

I cried for help
Waving my hands like
A fool
It was painful
Drips of blood came out
Still, no one came

Then the aching stopped
Or so I thought
Then I painted dirt on my leg
And then on my thighs
I drew black skies on my waist
I was amused
Not bored
Dirt painting for a company
Like cigarettes and coffee
I was alright then
I accepted it: the ground that bit my foot was my life

Until helplessness
Hopelessness
Loneliness
Came like sad thunders
I realized,
I had to get off the crack

I chewed off the skin of my left arm
Took my human gloves off
And started disentangling
the white thick twigs
Then I sharpened them using the ground like sand paper
‘Til blood and unpointiness disappeared

I sliced slowly
Then cut forcibly
I attacked and attacked
Until I freed myself from it

As I was about to leave
I fell down and hit my head hard
I woke up woozy
I started crawling
Parts of my body gone
I cracked a smile
Feeling triumphant
Without realizing
I am not whole anymore

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5-11-13

I’m sitting at the porch
wondering if
I was good enough
Eyes moving, looking for
an answer; a resolution
Maybe I could
think of something
if I mourn it properly
The cuts won’t
heal easily so
maybe if I pray
it will soon go away

Drinking doesn’t seem
to fulfill my attempts at
a waste-away night
I go home defeated, gutted
With hammering noises
inside my head
Maybe it’s time to call and
not laugh at unfunny jokes
It won’t make anything easy
so maybe if I pray it will
soon go away

There’s no winning
in a losing feeling

There’s no winning
in a losing feeling

but long ago
I stopped praying

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Dependence

I.

The stairs are wet
My finger itches
Needed to be upstairs
To write about you

The room is airless
Dust is all over
Needed to breathe
To sing about you

The kitchen’s a mess
The sink is full
Needed to clean
While waiting for you

II.

I took the stairs
I almost slipped
I was speechless
Nobody saw me

I opened the window
Bugs were everywhere
I covered my face
Nobody warned me

I cleaned it all up
Until everything’s spotless
My hands were bleeding
Nobody helped me

III.

The rain stops
So is my fear
Needed to exit
To see the sun

The buzzing’s gone
I open my mouth
I call out your name
I don’t need a reply

The cuts will heal
That’s for sure
I take a hot shower
To make love with water

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The Peace Exercise

If it pains you, go out
and shout your anger
There’s no shame in losing
yourself to natural behavior
If someone ticks you off and
you find yourself blameless,
Make them feel that you’re human
so it would be known
they’re stepping boundaries

However, if you feel like
you’re biting off more
than what you could chew,
Go deep into your mind
and start playing characters

Close your eyes…

Align the idiots like
piles of garbage
waiting to be burned
You are the key
to their rightful demise
Skin them alive
and make them say
the name of their parents
For they have disappointed
them in more ways than one

When they are bleeding
non-stop and are crying for help,
remind them the days
when they treated you like shit
Get a rusty butcher knife
and spit on it twice or thrice
Chop their limbs into little pieces
and let the flesh dry under the sun

Now, concentrate…

Summon the biggest rats
you have seen on the planet
Tell them to wait for your
signal before they attack
First, you have to sprinkle salt
and pepper on the limbs of the idiots
When you finally do, scream
“Voila! The trash of the earth,
made edible just for you all,
lovely friends!”

Now, open your eyes
and breathe a sigh…

The idiots have been killed off
and they are nothing to you
In the real world, not minding
people who display alarmingly
dysfunctional thought processes
is a sign of maturity
For they have not grown
to be ripe and seasoned,
thus, they should be seen
as cunts who are
a work in progress

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